My Dearest Grandma

My Dearest Gram,

So many beautiful memories we have. As your life approaches 101 amazing beautiful years I have been reflecting as a grown woman the sheer amazingness of our friendship. Ever since I could remember you were there. Making sure I was ok. Tucked me in while putting on classical music. Pulling my bath water making it ever so perfect. With perfume free soaps and all. Calling me “Cutie Patootie” always holding my hand. Caressing and rubbing your fingers into mine. Your touch so very different then anyone else’s. You are my very strong grandma who is always there. Listening and hanging on to my every word of my dramatic young girl stories of boyfriends… telling me my life was way better than any romance novel as we laughed. Sitting for hours drinking ice tea on your patio, or walking on long walks. You showed me a kind of love that was all about me. When you’re young you need someone interested. Intrigued. Not distracted by their own life. You made me believe it was all about me and I love you for that. On those long walks you let me dream. 

You listened without fear or judgement. That truly allowed me to fly free with out strings. You watched me drive away to attend a college far from you. I know you wanted me to stay. Again, it was all about me and what I needed. You waved goodbye and cheered me on. That was you gram. You were the constant wind that made me soar. You gave me space, you gave me peace. You knew me and always made sure I knew I was loved and accepted with all my imperfections. You protected me. I was always right. No need to defend myself. That was such a gift my dearest grandma. My time with you is so sweet. I love our time cause it is easy. I don’t feel obligated. I feel moved to be here. I Need you just like you need me. 

As time went on you needed me more. And my time with you did become about what you needed and I was happy to ablidge. I was more than happy to let our days be yours. The stories all about you. Feelings you had. Things shifted and I listened while you talked. You talked about your fears, your loves, your losses. When someone gives unconditionally you feel so much more obligated in a beautiful way because you long to show them how their love changed you by just being there. Showing up when no one else could be bothered. People got busy. But you never were too busy for me. And now I am here never too busy for you. Love like this shapes you as a human being, changes you, evolves your perspective. You realize time is priceless, so cliche but it is the truest truth. I could be doing a million things but at this moment I am here holding your warm hand because you may not be here tomorrow. Life is fleeting. Unpredictable. I have never lost anyone before. I have been so lucky to have you for so long. You showed up in my life, and I showed up for you. Love is like that. No strings. Not perfection. Just real talk, real time just being present. miles apart didn't matter. But I begged you to come to me after I realized I could not be there when you needed me when you got too old. You finally came.

You are familiar. Warm. I look at your hands now as you rest. Every blue vein pumping life through you. I wonder how I will exist without your loving hands to hold. Or your kind eyes so excited to see me. To know that soon you will leave me is incomprehensible. The vacancy might overcome me. The loss just too much to bear. Today your eyes did not open and I was so scared that I may never see the blue sparkles of light that radiated from them again. 

The hot tears that flow from My eyes warm my face. I feel each one rolling down slowly. Each salty tear bigger than the last. Each one quietly draining my soul. Huge crocodile tears as I think of what life will be like without you physically here. 

Grandma you loved me. That is all. It is everything to be loved, adored. And for that I will cherish you and our time always. I remember with a smile, I would pick you up like an old friend and I would say, “hold on to your “depends” grandma, we are going for a ride!” I smile just thinking of how this made you laugh. You would repeat the same thing every time I took you out. “With you I never worry.” 

When you’re gone, I will reflect on this beautiful life and memory of you. Your soul intertwined with mine so deeply. Your magnificent love will live on through me. I can’t thank you enough for being here in this life. So many moments on the phone where I just needed someone and you were always there unwavering. In college you made me fresh bread and shared with all my friends. Everyone loved you. You let us all be young and stupid. You listened to all our ridiculous stories. You let us use your laundry and gave us quarters for the vending machine. We were young adults trying to figure things out. I struggled finding my way, but on the days I needed someone I drove to you and I always felt ok on my drive home. And even in my lostness in these moments, you made me feel special and stronger than I was. I think that is what I learned from you Grandma. You didn't let the life stuff just ruin you. And therefore I left feeling a bit more unbreakable. 

I sit here staring at you and I know if you could talk you would tell me to go home to my family, which is what you often said when you wanted me to go home, that you felt like my time was too long when I have "other more important things to do". But what I knew in these long visits I was just preparing my heart that you would leave me. I remember one moment a week or two before you left me, that I looked at you and I said all the things bawling and you just patted my hand, and your eyes filled up with tears. I never ever saw you cry, not once. But that moment I did. And you said, " I will always love you." And somehow I could leave knowing that and pretend that was enough when you are not here to hold my hand anymore. 

But today sadly I release you into the universe. I release you into the Abyss. I release you into the spirit. I let go of you. I know you must exit this world. I know it’s time. I don’t want to hold you hostage. It’s not about me anymore. It’s all 100000% about you. It’s all about you. Your amazingness. Your soul. Your love of this life, you leading me through your unwavering example. Reinventing yourself and accepting things that are just is. Not allowing yourself to be bitter or unkind. YOUR ability to be positive in all the darkness you lived through. But that darkness never dulled all your amazing beautiful light! You have given me this light and the light lives and drowns any sadness I might feel when you physically leave this planet. 

The day you passed, I cried over you. The nurses came to change you and they found me hovering over you. I felt so bad that I was holding on, over your struggling body barely breathing. I knew you were in there. I knew you could hear me. So I read you this letter, to your motionless body. And yes you managed to squeezed my hand and you made a gasping noise and I knew you said all the things you could say in that moment. I held your hand, and I played your favorite song from my cell phone that I recorded knowing this day would come. I played it into your ear and you gasped again. I knew grandpa's voice singing always made you so so happy! Only he could not sing to you now, his heart was breaking too much to sing a single note, just as much as mine.

I walked out of your room and knew that would be the last moment. It was surreal. I seemed to float out. Everyone looking at me knowing as I walked out. It would never be long enough. Never ever. But what I know today as I reread this. I know you are here, you never left me even now. You're here. I feel you everywhere and everything. Every bird and every sunny moment I feel you. I drive and I still tell you all my stories and I tell you all the things. Love is magic isn't it... And your light pours all over my face at every stop light, every long walk, every singing bird, you are here. Every tall strong tree that sways in the wind. It is all you. And even today when I can't stop crying because today after two weeks, I just miss you. But I feel you in my heart, all through my body, hot with the warmest blanket of warm light. I pause and I say, thank you Grandma for always loving me, even today when you are no longer here. But here you are Grandma, here you are! You showed up, you always have and yes I am so happy and relieved that I never have to really say goodbye cause your are right here but now I have you HERE ALWAYS, every single moment and every breath until I RUN to you when we meet on the other side. That will be a glorious day my dearest Grandma. But until then, I will just live strong, stand tall knowing I have you forever in this beautiful warm glorious light. 

Amen.